Its 2 A.M. I know I have to sleep to get up early to pick up my journal
and study. The room feels cold, the darkness disturbs my sleep. I see
this thin white ray of light hitting the wall and I get up. My
headphones on, my eyes red. I go through my twitter page, I see 2 of my
colleagues tagging and tweeting! They are best friends in their own way.
They have seen worse, said worse , done worse. have abused each other
and yet today they love each other. The friendship of Blair and Serena
in gossip girl , Silver and Adriana in 90210 hits my brain. It batters
the weak heavy heart that is beating within those caged-webbed-veined
body of mine. There is one song that is playing constantly. It might
just be the 10th time I am hearing it. Avoiding those spectacles I run
down to the red painted room downstairs and throw myself on that soft
bed. The only lines I can concentrate of that one song playing are "
don't cry for your love, cry tears of joy 'cuz your alive, cradled in
love"
I feel the cold wind that's invisibly comforting me. I feel the winter
coming. I love winter! But I can't smile. I am still staring at the
ceiling thinking what do I need? What distracted me the whole day? I
couldn't read, I couldn't study the whole day! I met this old friend I
always wanted to. Things ain't falling the way they were suppose to. I
spoke to the person, I feel so much for! Why am I pushing him away? Why
don't I just let him go? This weak person is not me. I have faced worse.
Got over the most painful moments. Something that is just running away
from me.. Something I wish to have but I can't! Is it love? Is it that
friendship I missed for those three years? There is a lot hidden behind
those crooked gates of my heart I wish to remove. There are words which
wave everyday till the tip of my tongue to escape but they don't. There
are random wasted tears which come out with deep pain. Drip without
stopping, giving me a painful headache with sour vibrations every random
minute. I sit with a couple of people, they ain't strangers they are my
friends. People I have known but I don't feel the smile I have. Not
Like I did for those temporary months. Not like those temporary years. I
see people I have known, I have pushed them away, they are happy with
their friends. There was a time I was something which has turned me to
nothing now.
I feel like this another person who is just nothing standing with those
100 humans who are something. I feel wasted. I feel alone! I do have a
few voices saying that they are something to me but yet it makes me
empty.
My eyes wish to cry in front of that one person who understands every
bad thing I ever did, my head needs a shoulder to rest that warms me
saying " it happened, just let it go" my heart craves for that one
friend I have always been to somebody who has never hated for anything
but just understood. My voice wishes to scream that I too deserve to be
that lucky girl who deserves happiness.
Today, I feel neglected, avoided, disowned. Today, I can't blame the bad
to take over the good side of me. It has not changed the love and care I
have for people who have been a part of my life somehow. Today, I still
beg to the world, I am not bad, I haven't done anything to hurt
anybody.
I wipe these tears, walk to the kitchen, boil water, add coffee &
milk. Pour it in that Starbucks mug. I come sit and smile. Sip the
coffee and just realize, I am my best friend. Because no matter what I
did , I do and I wish to do, I shall accept it and stand for that every
result I get for my every step on this little lane of my life. I still
stand in the middle of this narrow lane, where I see brown mountains
around I once sketched at the age of 12, I see those thorny plants and
also the greenery those cactus plants give to the road I need to walk
on. That little puddle of water flowing and I say.. " The journey is
long! "